Satire: Test cricket announces retirement

Bye Bye Test cricket!

In a shocking revelation Test cricket, one of the three formats in cricket has announced that it has decided to hang its boots.

Test cricket is the oldest format in cricket, having made its debut in 1877, but the game had been played between teams as early as the 16th century. There have been 2179 Test matches in total and the Test match between Sri Lanka and India would be the last test match ever.

“I don’t want to feel like a dinosaur among the shorter formats”, said Test cricket in the media briefing. The sudden decision has been received with mixed emotions with the older, wiser generation expressing shock and the corporate investors and the media articulating great joy.

But Test cricket was of the opinion that the right time has come for it to call it a day. Speaking about its redundancy, Test cricket tearfully acknowledged that it has lost its market and its pecuniary value has been in constant decline. “Patrons of the game speak about saving me, but, to be honest, they will be relieved to see my back”, lamented the veteran. “I have given my all to cricket. I have given good technique to both batsmen and bowlers. You might have these shorter formats employing slower balls, scoops, and hoics but they are employed over the firm foundation called the technique that I have given to cricket. It is a science, you know. Without that, they are nothing”.

When asked why it decided to quit when everyone else was interested in discussing about saving Tests, it replied “See that’s all what they do. Just discussing plans. They would have taken some actions, had they really wanted to.

But they’re all ugly gimmicks. Mere eye wash. And it is a matter of time before they force me into exile. I want to retire on my own terms. I don’t want anyone else to decide when I should quit. I want to go when people ask me why”.

Cricket boards reaction

Test cricket has the distinction of being an Olympic sport and has had several eminent personalities playing it. Legend has it that George Washington played cricket in America. The contribution of Test cricket to cricket has without a doubt been immense.

Despite being in decline, a Test match between Australia and England managed to attract 91,112 spectators in 2013. The Ashes is one of the best rivalries in sports history and the heritage of Test cricket has already reserved a special place for itself in the history of world sports.

Despite all these, the flannelled man opined that, “People speak of my manifolds of accomplishments. They speak of the Ashes that will be played in Australia, the new Gandhi-Mandela rivalry between India and South Africa so on and so forth. But if that is what propels you to extend your career, then that is the right time to say, thank you very much. When I retire, I want to go back to the dressing room, look at the other formats in the eye and say I went out to play because I really wanted to do well for cricket”.

The sudden superannuation of the senior most format has been positively received by almost all cricket boards. The West Indies cricket Board while eulogizing Test cricket for an excellent career, said that the right decision has been made just at the right time. “Test cricket doesn’t bring in money. The Gayles, the Bravos and the Pollards are not capable Test players. And people don’t want to watch the Test capable players like Chanders bat. So we are actually very happy. Instead of 5-day Test matches, we would like to suggest an alternative. We guess that ICC should seriously consider 15 T20Is in 5 days. We can have an exciting T20 match for every session and that would bring in a lot of revenue.”

Cricket South Africa also echoed the same sentiments. They in their heap of praise for the retiring veteran said, “You know AB de Villiers doesn’t keep wickets, lead the side nor does he open the batting in Tests. So we don’t actually need Test cricket. AB keeps wickets in T20Is and captains the ODI side, so we are happy with those two formats.”

The Board of Control for cricket in India said that they would miss Test cricket and they have all been fans of Test cricket. “There is no doubt Test cricket is the best. We all want our youngsters to play Tests. But most of them are only interested in IPL. But T20s bring in a lot of money and we don’t want to pump in money into Test cricket and hence it is sad to see Test making a very good decision. We have tried our best to keep Test cricket alive. We campaigned against DRS since it made the already lengthy game even lengthier. We brought in Big Three and tried creating a tier based system, but sadly nothing worked”, ranted a higher ranked official.

Another official complained thus, “Now everyone will blame IPL, that and this for the decline of Test cricket. They will never realize the amount of effort we put into save Tests. We could have easily filled the flannels of players with sponsorship logos, but the conservative Test fans would not have allowed it. We even tried bringing in washing powders to have their logos on white jerseys in return for money, but no one was interested. We tried creating Zing bats like Zing bails to light every time the ball found the edge of the bat, but batsmen didn’t like it since it was always lit during their innings. We even had plans for a franchise based Test league in India. A Sleeping Pill manufacturer came forward to sponsor it but Test cricket has decided to quit.”

cricket Australia tweeted saying that, “Our article re-writing software has suddenly stopped working. We have received BCCI’s view on it by e-mail and would soon be posting ours in our official website”. A journalist in close quarters with cricket Australia told us that the board was interested in three-day Test matches under lights before Test cricket announced its retirement”

Sri Lanka cricket on the other hand, expressed their shock in a nonchalant manner stating that “Hopefully, teams would convert their test schedules into ODIs and T20Is so that we can finish paying debts incurred by building a stadium in our ex-president’s village. The President’s power has expired but not the debts. We will be missing Test cricket by the way. Convey our regards”.

Bangladesh cricket Board who had no idea about what was going on told a local media that “BCCI has agreed to help built new stadiums in our country. They have also offered us a Test tour to India, which will be our first there. So we are happy standing up with BCCI in wishing Test cricket a happy future way from cricket”.

New Zealand cricket Board made their emotions clear in their statement. “See we are called Blackcaps and we have always found it an embarrassment to wear whites in Tests. Blackcaps can’t wear white, can they?”, said the official spokesman with a beaming face.

Pakistan cricket Board for their part joined the mourners’ bandwagon proclaiming that “We are utterly disappointed. But we do hope Test cricket returns to Pakistan”.

Indian media, meanwhile, lampooned Virat Kohli for being too rude on Test cricket. An eminent Journalist Arab Goes Army (not to be confused with Barmy Army) was screeching in an Indian channel claiming that “Kohli was too aggressive towards Test that it decided to quit. Join our campaign in twitter tweeting with the hashtag #KohliKillsTest”.

Cricketers speak

Angelo Mathews, the Sri Lankan captain opined that “We need to be positive and aggressive and play to win”. When reminded that the question was about Test cricket’s retirement, he stated that “Oh! Sorry. Got used to answering the same type of questions. I literally knelt in front of Test cricket and begged it not to go. But you know, when I beg like that, goody byes are expedited.”

Kevin Pieterson speaking with much rage asserted that “Had I kept playing Tests, it would not have retired. Test cricket needed entertainers like me”.

Ishant Sharma, meanwhile, was conceited in his statement. “S**t. Had I known about his plans I would have smitten my head at every Sri Lankan batsmen”.

Test cricket as it walks into sunset leaves behind a very rich legacy. Over the years many greats like Rahul Dravid, Kumar Sangakkara, Sachin Tendulkar, Jacques Kallis, VVS Laxman, Mahela Jayawardene, Ricky Ponting and Michale Clarke have retired from Tests, leaving Test cricket with batsmen who want to finish tests within three days and go shopping for five days. The journey of Test has given us many moments to cherish, many memories to revel and many lessons to uphold.

NOTE: This is not a satire. Anyone who makes fun of this news will be publicly shamed in Twitter, Facebook, and Google plus with their profile picture featuring prominently for outraging the modesty of Test cricket.